He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
