Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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