I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
