Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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