Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
