I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
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we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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