My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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