Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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