FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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