and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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