i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
