Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
