I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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