I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
