Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.