I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.