I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
