Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
