i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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