Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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