when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
