genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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