question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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