Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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