he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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