wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
