Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm jealous of your bromance
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
