I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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