One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize