I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
