Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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