Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
