My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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