i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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