I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
