the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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