I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
