smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
