I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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