I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
