Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
