Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
