He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
