just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
