Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
