I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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