I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
