And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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