fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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