Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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