it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
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Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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