What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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