My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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