wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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