she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
