Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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