I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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