ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
