I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
