Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
