After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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