who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
