guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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